Ever just wanna slap the shit out of someone just so they can grow the hell up? Yeah, that's me right now. Really and truly, I might be annoyed by certain things but it takes a whole lot for me to actually be upset. And me being upset is different from being angry. This isn't about me though, but just thought I'd say so you understand where I coming from.
Parents always think they're right. ALWAYS. So they always feel they need to speak to you a certain way, guilting you into shit or trying to get inside your head to make you feel bad about yourself. Not all parents do it but a lot of them do.
FAST FORWARD
Me and my dad have never had the best relationship. We cannot get along at all. We would try to have a civilized conversation but end up in an argument and somebody gets told to go fuck themselves.The last couple times I did the telling so he's been a bit on edge when it comes to me. Fine, I understand that. Think about these situations though:
Exhibit A: You try to be nice to someone out of the goodness of your heart (and also because you don't want to go to hell for being a cunt) and they just never appreciate it.
Exhibit B: You initiate conversations ALL THE TIME and it's like they never want to speak to you.
Exhibit C: You try to build a relationship and all they do is shut you out.
After all of this, can you understand why I keep saying "Go fuck yourself?" Good. I've always tried to be nice to my dad but I'm guessing he's just not used to good treatment. I don't know what is wrong with him but DON'T screw up your own kids just because maybe you weren't loved as a child. If something is wrong, simply communicate the problem. Can I read your fucking mind? Talented as I am, I really cant.
People think that material things can make up for fucked up emotions but really and truly, what do you do when you just can't buy love anymore? Yes, that's right...YOU BITCH AND PISS PEOPLE OFF. However, gone are the days when I used to care. I realized that if I sat here and wallowed in my annoyance/upset/anger then it would just give me wrinkles. So I laugh. Everyday. Laugh at the fact that I'm pretty fucked up. Laugh at the fact that he's fucked up. I'll never really know what's eating him, nor do I care but I'd just like it very much if he would just let life take it's course. We'll never be perfect but now when I look back at it, I wouldn't want us to be.
Us being fucked up, (well him for the most part) has helped me to become the person that I am today, which is why I cant understand how people don't have any definition in their life. I'm not sure what I mean by definition but it's in my head and maybe you'll figure it out eventually. The thing I want to leave with is that money cant buy happiness and don't let material things determine important relationships in your life. A healthy relationship is far more important than anything you can buy. Grow up.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Diagnosed
Ever since I was younger I knew I was an odd person. Not odd in the sense that 'omg she's so weird and creepy'....wait I am kinda creepy. Anyways I could never tell what was wrong with me but as I grew older I realized what it was. With the help of a few good doctors, I was able to learn exactly why I was so odd. Let's have a seat for it, shall we?
OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed. Healthy people also have rituals, such as checking to see if the stove is off several times before leaving the house. The difference is that people with OCD perform their rituals even though doing so interferes with daily life and they find the repetition distressing. Although most adults with OCD recognize that what they are doing is senseless, some adults and most children may not realize that their behavior is out of the ordinary.
Some people may say that everyone has a bit of OCD but trust me, I have more than a little bit. You may not notice at first glance but I'm always washing my hands. That's my compulsion. I touch. I count. I wash hands. I have a certain routine I follow. Sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like if I don't stop something's gonna happen. It was recommended that I go to therapy but....that's another issue.
My OCD works this way:
1. I touch things. If I go into a room I have to touch at least one thing or I feel uncomfortable. On the flip side, there are also things I just CANNOT touch and things that I CANNOT allow to touch me.
2. I count. I count the number of steps from point A to point B or I count the number of minutes it takes me to do something. Example, when I get up in the morning, I check how long it takes me to shower, how long it takes me to brush my teeth (sometimes I count the brush strokes). I count my coins before I put them in my pocket or purse, I count the number of times I brush my hair. I count every pair of jeans I own every morning before I choose which one to wear.
3. I wash hands. I'm obsessed with clean hands. I have to wash my hands when I wake up, before I shower, after I brush my teeth, after I get dressed, when I get where I'm going, at least twice when I'm there, before and after I pee, before bed, before and after I eat and after handling money. I CANNOT FUNCTION WITH OR AROUND DIRTY HANDS. I freak out, which brings me back to why sometimes I cant be touched.
There's alot of things that irk me but I hardly think it's because of my disorder. I think the most severe compulsion is me washing my hands. I simply cannot go through the day without washing my hands. You know how some people wouldn't mind having dirty hands? Yeah, not me. I'm hoping these things don't get to so bad that I cant go about my daily life, or that would suck so bad. I'm taking it in stride. Is there medication for this? Hmm well I'm sure there's something I can get, until then you can find me in the sink, washing my hands!
OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed. Healthy people also have rituals, such as checking to see if the stove is off several times before leaving the house. The difference is that people with OCD perform their rituals even though doing so interferes with daily life and they find the repetition distressing. Although most adults with OCD recognize that what they are doing is senseless, some adults and most children may not realize that their behavior is out of the ordinary.
Some people may say that everyone has a bit of OCD but trust me, I have more than a little bit. You may not notice at first glance but I'm always washing my hands. That's my compulsion. I touch. I count. I wash hands. I have a certain routine I follow. Sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like if I don't stop something's gonna happen. It was recommended that I go to therapy but....that's another issue.
My OCD works this way:
1. I touch things. If I go into a room I have to touch at least one thing or I feel uncomfortable. On the flip side, there are also things I just CANNOT touch and things that I CANNOT allow to touch me.
2. I count. I count the number of steps from point A to point B or I count the number of minutes it takes me to do something. Example, when I get up in the morning, I check how long it takes me to shower, how long it takes me to brush my teeth (sometimes I count the brush strokes). I count my coins before I put them in my pocket or purse, I count the number of times I brush my hair. I count every pair of jeans I own every morning before I choose which one to wear.
3. I wash hands. I'm obsessed with clean hands. I have to wash my hands when I wake up, before I shower, after I brush my teeth, after I get dressed, when I get where I'm going, at least twice when I'm there, before and after I pee, before bed, before and after I eat and after handling money. I CANNOT FUNCTION WITH OR AROUND DIRTY HANDS. I freak out, which brings me back to why sometimes I cant be touched.
There's alot of things that irk me but I hardly think it's because of my disorder. I think the most severe compulsion is me washing my hands. I simply cannot go through the day without washing my hands. You know how some people wouldn't mind having dirty hands? Yeah, not me. I'm hoping these things don't get to so bad that I cant go about my daily life, or that would suck so bad. I'm taking it in stride. Is there medication for this? Hmm well I'm sure there's something I can get, until then you can find me in the sink, washing my hands!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Now What?
Life.
We all have it and we all seem to know our purpose in this world, don't we? Well at least we should. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there that have no idea what their purpose in life is. Myself included. I always try to tell myself that "This is what I want to do" or "This is what I should be doing" but truth be told, I can honestly say I don't have a clue what I want out of life.
People would say they want certain things. Success. Fame. Money. Let me ask you this, what will things do for you if you don't know what you want them for? When I was in primary school, I used to say I can't wait for high school. When I got to high school, I could not wait for college. Well here I am in college and I'm stick stuck on stupid.
It's my final year of University and I'm scared. Scared because I have no idea what I'll do when it's all over. Granted, I'll have a degree but will I be ready for the world? I don't feel confident enough to say life will be fabulous after graduation. I'll probably be jobless and broke for a while before I do anything worth shit. Growing up, there were so many things I wanted to do but there was just never any time. I'm lying, there was time. I just didn't feel good enough to go out and get shit done.
The only thing I'm sure of is my passion for dancing, but being told "that's not a career" or "don't focus on that" dampened my spirits and so that passion took a back seat. After an unfortunate incident earlier this year, I decided I wasn't going to waste any more time, I would be doing what I wanted. I would become a fly-by-the-seat of my pants kind of person. But as usual, I bitched up [passing up so many opportunities].
I think one of my fears is being successful. Yeah, I could make it all the way to the top of the world if I really wanted to but who will be there with me? I've been at the top of my game before and trust me, it's lonely as hell up there. I think I've trapped myself in a shell and if I dare try to venture out, I'll get squashed and die. I can't stay cloaked up forever though, so now what?
We all have it and we all seem to know our purpose in this world, don't we? Well at least we should. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there that have no idea what their purpose in life is. Myself included. I always try to tell myself that "This is what I want to do" or "This is what I should be doing" but truth be told, I can honestly say I don't have a clue what I want out of life.
People would say they want certain things. Success. Fame. Money. Let me ask you this, what will things do for you if you don't know what you want them for? When I was in primary school, I used to say I can't wait for high school. When I got to high school, I could not wait for college. Well here I am in college and I'm stick stuck on stupid.
It's my final year of University and I'm scared. Scared because I have no idea what I'll do when it's all over. Granted, I'll have a degree but will I be ready for the world? I don't feel confident enough to say life will be fabulous after graduation. I'll probably be jobless and broke for a while before I do anything worth shit. Growing up, there were so many things I wanted to do but there was just never any time. I'm lying, there was time. I just didn't feel good enough to go out and get shit done.
The only thing I'm sure of is my passion for dancing, but being told "that's not a career" or "don't focus on that" dampened my spirits and so that passion took a back seat. After an unfortunate incident earlier this year, I decided I wasn't going to waste any more time, I would be doing what I wanted. I would become a fly-by-the-seat of my pants kind of person. But as usual, I bitched up [passing up so many opportunities].
I think one of my fears is being successful. Yeah, I could make it all the way to the top of the world if I really wanted to but who will be there with me? I've been at the top of my game before and trust me, it's lonely as hell up there. I think I've trapped myself in a shell and if I dare try to venture out, I'll get squashed and die. I can't stay cloaked up forever though, so now what?
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