This is something I've wanted to tackle for a while but never really knew how to handle or how to approach it. I had all these struggles mainly because this is such a sensitive topic and I'm sure there are people who will read and be of the view that I'm not allowed to say these things because I "don't know what it's like". I'm speaking on self esteem, confidence and body issues.
Growing up, I was deemed less than attractive. There are no two ways about it. I did not live up to the standard of beauty that existed back then (and probably even now). Pretty girls were petite and light skinned with long hair and a straight nose. I....was none of those things. I was a tragic 90 lbs with acne, a full head of thick natural hair and glasses. So of course, I was teased because my peers were just as cruel as all other school children can be.
I used to be called "Grater Face" among other things. I remember this because I was one of the few girls in my class who had started going through puberty at an early age and my skin was a wreck. I got my first period at 10 years old and it seemed like everything just went downhill from there. Looking back at it, I was what one would call a "hot ass mess". There were days when I would wish to be pretty and light skinned like some of the girls all the boys liked - but of course this never happened. I remember I had a crush on a guy and I got the most public shoot down one could get. Yikes.
My mother would always stress how important it was to take my head out of the clouds and bury it in the books. Taking her advice got me several years of straight A's, multiple academic awards and the faculty acknowledged me as a star student. I was involved in everything: 4H, Brownies, Speech and Drama, Choir, Spelling Bee, Builder's Club, Dance. I even tried out for track and netball - bear in mind that I don't have an athletic bone in my body so...yeah.
When I was about 14, my skin started clearing up (I used so many products and tried so many remedies, I don't know how my face didn't just melt right off. Ick.) but I still wasn't beautiful to some. Why? I was TOO skinny. My face was TOO oblong shaped. I was TOO black. My nose was TOO big.
At 17, I started gaining weight. I grew breasts (yay, tits) and got what some would call a butt. A new dose of weight gain and transition started when I was around 19. Then it came in another burst at 21 then again at 22 and my body has continued to change up to now. I feel sad that growing up, I never felt beautiful because I measured beauty based on other people's standards and not my own. Even up to this day, I still get tackled about my weight and to my surprise, there are even people who have called me fat (yeah, me. Fat. Who saw THAT coming? Talk di chute weh God love!)
I was so sold on skinny being a negative thing that I tried all I could to gain weight. Then when I did, people had something to say. So I lost it. They still had something to say. Then I gained and guess what? They. Still. Had. Something. To. Say. I grew to understand that no matter what, PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, it's just up to you to decide how their words and actions will affect you.I was always so devastated and worried about what people thought of me and my looks. Then one day, I decided I didn't want to feel like that anymore and so I changed my approach. I tried to find the positive in these negatives.
"Oh, you're so skinny!"
"Yep. So I can fit into everything"
"Your hair is way too thick"
"Yeah, I broke a few combs but these strands never fall out"
"Your life is showing on your skin"
"At least I'm living"
"You're getting fat"
"I'm well fed so I guess it's showing now"
Looking back and learning all I did, I wish I had let these things roll off my back sooner. I have learned to love myself as a Black woman and most importantly as a person. It took me YEARS to get to this place in my life that I'm at and it's something I wish for other people (not just women) who are struggling with themselves and society's standards. You are beautiful. You are more than your skin tone. More than your hair texture. More than your good/bad skin. I had to learn that confidence comes from within and self acceptance is the first step to self love.
Help people. Breathe deeply. Smile more. Be positive. Speak your truth. Keep your head up. Love the world. Never have doubts. Embrace what you can't change. Be gentle with yourself.
Namaste.
