This post will be a little more personal than the others. While I won't tell you every detail, I'm sure if you pay attention you'll be able to put two and two together.
The past 2 years have been very rough for me. I've been through a lot. I've endure, I've ignored and I've pulled through. 2010 was more challenging on the social and educational side. In the middle of a college education, having a part time job and full time boyfriend wasn't exactly easy but being the person I am, I managed to juggle them all. 2010 was ROUGH.
Though many people might not have realized the impact it had on me, Patti's death really put a lot of things into perspective. It taught me a lot, as painful as it was. It showed me that life is as short as it is long and you should love while you can. God took her away from us in the middle of a budding friendship and ever since then I vowed I would never allow anything to stop me from expressing how I feel about someone. I mean, being unsure of your place in someone's life when you die isn't exactly comforting. I used to be very closed off. Very rigid and that was how I coped.
On the other hand, 2011 has brought wonderful people into my life, and while I'm still weary of some I welcome the others with open arms. I've never cared much for people and their feelings. From as far back as I can remember I was very careful with who I show myself and my emotions to. I admit, there were times when I would slip up and be affectionate to the wrong people but I'm glad. If it wasn't for them, I probably would not have known as much as I know now.
The past year was more challenging on the relationship side. Friendships fell apart, I went single and family wasn't exactly amazing. I gave myself to people, probably more than I should have and they took advantage of it. Some of it was expected. Some of it slapped me in the face. All of that was just a lesson I guess, to still be careful even though I should give everyone the benefit of the doubt. My ego has been bruised, my pride trampled on and my patience wore thin. If you really know me, you'd know I'm not a person that likes to wait around. For anything. I'd rather figure it out quickly than waste my time. I HATE WASTING MY TIME.
Towards the end of 2011, I completely let my guard down. As far down as I'd ever let it. I screwed up, broke my own rules and I'll never do that again (unless I know it's worth it). I put effort into things, I was "nice". Don't be fooled by the rough exterior, loud mouth and crass behaviour. I am disgustingly soft. But I'm also strong. You can never really know what's going on with me unless I say so, I always try to wear a smile. Sometimes, fake but a smile nonetheless. I've been destroyed but it's up to me to fix it. I cannot depend on anyone else. Nobody else can MAKE me happy. I'll start over. Rewind. Then change a few parts. After all, I am my own remedy.
2012, Hear me roar!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Necessary Instant Remedy
There are times in life when one is faced with a plethora of decisions. While it is customary for one to make it through school, get an education, settle down in a good job, get married and all that jazz; is it necessarily the route that everyone is destined to take? Maybe its just me, but I find that apart of growing up is being allowed to make decisions that benefit you. What if what's customary, doesn't work for you? It may not necessarily be the best decision in someone else's eyes but it works for you.
I'm a huge fan of travel and new cultures and I feel I'm at the point in my life where I need a change of environment. Sometimes that is all one needs in order to grow and shape themselves. I hate being stuck at one point for too long. It makes me severely uncomfortable. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. My thirst for knowledge and my love of art and fashion are some things that help me to cope nowadays.
Contrary to popular belief, I've been unhappy for a very long time. It has nothing to do with one specific person or one specific situation, but has to do with years of experience. Yes, I agree that I am indeed young but there are copious amounts of experiences that I would trade for something else. Then again, these same experiences are what made me who I am, nuh true? And you have to endure the storm before you can have the sunshine. (Terribly cliche', I know. LOL)
I'm a firm believer of the fact that true happiness lies within. I have turned to many things to make me happy but after a while these things lose the ability to lift my spirits. What I'm about to do now is focus on ME. I've been trying to do that for quite some time now but someone or something always gets in the way. I tend to put other people's happiness over my own but what has that done for me? Where have I been left? Right here. At the same spot.
While I'm still unhappy and I can't necessarily put my finger on what's bothering me, I'm fully 100% comfortable with myself and being in my own skin. I have met great people that have brought out the best and I've met shitty people who have brought out the worst in me, but at the end of the day I'm still me. Who are you?
I'm a huge fan of travel and new cultures and I feel I'm at the point in my life where I need a change of environment. Sometimes that is all one needs in order to grow and shape themselves. I hate being stuck at one point for too long. It makes me severely uncomfortable. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. My thirst for knowledge and my love of art and fashion are some things that help me to cope nowadays.
Contrary to popular belief, I've been unhappy for a very long time. It has nothing to do with one specific person or one specific situation, but has to do with years of experience. Yes, I agree that I am indeed young but there are copious amounts of experiences that I would trade for something else. Then again, these same experiences are what made me who I am, nuh true? And you have to endure the storm before you can have the sunshine. (Terribly cliche', I know. LOL)
I'm a firm believer of the fact that true happiness lies within. I have turned to many things to make me happy but after a while these things lose the ability to lift my spirits. What I'm about to do now is focus on ME. I've been trying to do that for quite some time now but someone or something always gets in the way. I tend to put other people's happiness over my own but what has that done for me? Where have I been left? Right here. At the same spot.
While I'm still unhappy and I can't necessarily put my finger on what's bothering me, I'm fully 100% comfortable with myself and being in my own skin. I have met great people that have brought out the best and I've met shitty people who have brought out the worst in me, but at the end of the day I'm still me. Who are you?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Stop. Think about it.
Right about now we're gonna talk about those people that have soooo many haters. Everybody's out to get them. Listen up, people who think highly of themselves. Nobody cares about you. You might be a little interesting or a lot...depending on how you look at it but at the same time that's no excuse to act as if you're above people. I mean really, we all eat, shit and bleed, yeah? You're not that awesome. Regardless of the fact of how awesome you may think you are (ok I won't knock some people cuz they really are awesome. Shoutouts to y'all!) not everybody is in love with you. Shit, sometimes a nigga don't even wanna be your friend.
Daily I am approached by people and whether interesting or not I try not to be mean. When you really look at it, you never can tell who you'll have to call on for a favour one day. You never know who's gonna end up being your shoulder to cry on or even your damn boss. Everybody wants someone to do something for them so why treat people like shit?
Talking to a pretty good friend of mine today I realized that very odd situations can yield very beautiful friendships. I was never one to acknowledge her but as time went by I opened up and saw that she was a beautiful soul that was simply misunderstood. And now, NOW we're so close. I'm not saying to go out there and friend every stranger you see, but be courteous. Yo, even if you don't like them too much you can still acknowledge them. Now before you get your panties in a bunch, shut the fuck up and notice that I said "acknowledge" and not "be a hypocrite". Being a hypocrite and being civil are two completely different things.
I've long accepted the fact that not everybody will love me. Hell, lots of people won't even LIKE me but that's their issue. I had an epiphany recently....well maybe not epiphany, I was way too drunk to remember everything, really.
(NOTE: Alcohol is great. Drink, drink, hooray!)
Everybody in my life is there for a specific purpose and everything happens for a reason. Yes, EVERYTHING. Don't get mad at that statement cuz really, you stubbing your toe, almost falling and being helped by someone may do so much for you. That could be your soulmate! You telling someone "Good Morning" just might stop them from killing themselves.So hey, it's not always what someone can do for you, but it's what you can do for each other.
Daily I am approached by people and whether interesting or not I try not to be mean. When you really look at it, you never can tell who you'll have to call on for a favour one day. You never know who's gonna end up being your shoulder to cry on or even your damn boss. Everybody wants someone to do something for them so why treat people like shit?
Talking to a pretty good friend of mine today I realized that very odd situations can yield very beautiful friendships. I was never one to acknowledge her but as time went by I opened up and saw that she was a beautiful soul that was simply misunderstood. And now, NOW we're so close. I'm not saying to go out there and friend every stranger you see, but be courteous. Yo, even if you don't like them too much you can still acknowledge them. Now before you get your panties in a bunch, shut the fuck up and notice that I said "acknowledge" and not "be a hypocrite". Being a hypocrite and being civil are two completely different things.
I've long accepted the fact that not everybody will love me. Hell, lots of people won't even LIKE me but that's their issue. I had an epiphany recently....well maybe not epiphany, I was way too drunk to remember everything, really.
(NOTE: Alcohol is great. Drink, drink, hooray!)
Everybody in my life is there for a specific purpose and everything happens for a reason. Yes, EVERYTHING. Don't get mad at that statement cuz really, you stubbing your toe, almost falling and being helped by someone may do so much for you. That could be your soulmate! You telling someone "Good Morning" just might stop them from killing themselves.So hey, it's not always what someone can do for you, but it's what you can do for each other.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Problem Solved?
Everybody has feelings. Sometimes people care about your feelings, other times they don't. That's just the way of the world an people in general. You cannot force people to care so give that shit up.
When I was younger I was always awkward and people used to make fun of me. I cared so much and they always hurt my feelings, but I've grown out of that. Granted, I do give at least an ounce of fuck but I will not let the way people think of me ruin my life and stop me front doing what I want, when I want. Sometimes even the very people you thought would never hurt your feelings, end up doing so. Oftentimes not intentional, but done nonetheless.
Another thing everybody has is problems. I repeat EVERYBODY HAS PROBLEMS, not just your depressed ass, and everybody has different ways of dealing with their own problems. Let's take me for example, I have a lot of problems and if I was to sit here and list them all, we would never leave and there's other important shit that needs to get done. Like living and breathing. Also, consuming THE BEST FOOD, pastry and alcohol that we can find. Anyways, back to the problems. Just because someone doesn't want to sit and wallow in your problems with you, doesn't mean they don't care. They just don't want to sit and wallow in your problems with you...while they have their own to wallow in. All that wallowing takes time and energy which could be spent doing something else (like living and breathing). Never try to unload your truckload of problems on someone else, that will only push them away. Trust me, I know. I'm walking away from a couple people as we speak.
I mean, people will sit and listen but only for so long, and they don't like repeats. They might not say "Shut up, you're talking too much" but you can tell when they want you to be quiet. Take that hint. Why bring up the same problem over and over...and over again? Nobody wants to sit and be sad all the time. Emo people have tricked you all, cut the bullshit. I'm not saying you should keep it to yourself all the time but don't try to let people feel bad about not wanting to share in your spilled milk. Don't cuss people out and snap at people and BITCH AT EVERYONE else. Hint, that's still not going to make me want to listen. Be mature about things and try to deal with it a bit at a time. There are some things you can deal with internally and some things you wont be able to deal with at all, it's up to you to know the difference, not someone else.
When I was younger I was always awkward and people used to make fun of me. I cared so much and they always hurt my feelings, but I've grown out of that. Granted, I do give at least an ounce of fuck but I will not let the way people think of me ruin my life and stop me front doing what I want, when I want. Sometimes even the very people you thought would never hurt your feelings, end up doing so. Oftentimes not intentional, but done nonetheless.
Another thing everybody has is problems. I repeat EVERYBODY HAS PROBLEMS, not just your depressed ass, and everybody has different ways of dealing with their own problems. Let's take me for example, I have a lot of problems and if I was to sit here and list them all, we would never leave and there's other important shit that needs to get done. Like living and breathing. Also, consuming THE BEST FOOD, pastry and alcohol that we can find. Anyways, back to the problems. Just because someone doesn't want to sit and wallow in your problems with you, doesn't mean they don't care. They just don't want to sit and wallow in your problems with you...while they have their own to wallow in. All that wallowing takes time and energy which could be spent doing something else (like living and breathing). Never try to unload your truckload of problems on someone else, that will only push them away. Trust me, I know. I'm walking away from a couple people as we speak.
I mean, people will sit and listen but only for so long, and they don't like repeats. They might not say "Shut up, you're talking too much" but you can tell when they want you to be quiet. Take that hint. Why bring up the same problem over and over...and over again? Nobody wants to sit and be sad all the time. Emo people have tricked you all, cut the bullshit. I'm not saying you should keep it to yourself all the time but don't try to let people feel bad about not wanting to share in your spilled milk. Don't cuss people out and snap at people and BITCH AT EVERYONE else. Hint, that's still not going to make me want to listen. Be mature about things and try to deal with it a bit at a time. There are some things you can deal with internally and some things you wont be able to deal with at all, it's up to you to know the difference, not someone else.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
What's more important?
Ever just wanna slap the shit out of someone just so they can grow the hell up? Yeah, that's me right now. Really and truly, I might be annoyed by certain things but it takes a whole lot for me to actually be upset. And me being upset is different from being angry. This isn't about me though, but just thought I'd say so you understand where I coming from.
Parents always think they're right. ALWAYS. So they always feel they need to speak to you a certain way, guilting you into shit or trying to get inside your head to make you feel bad about yourself. Not all parents do it but a lot of them do.
FAST FORWARD
Me and my dad have never had the best relationship. We cannot get along at all. We would try to have a civilized conversation but end up in an argument and somebody gets told to go fuck themselves.The last couple times I did the telling so he's been a bit on edge when it comes to me. Fine, I understand that. Think about these situations though:
Exhibit A: You try to be nice to someone out of the goodness of your heart (and also because you don't want to go to hell for being a cunt) and they just never appreciate it.
Exhibit B: You initiate conversations ALL THE TIME and it's like they never want to speak to you.
Exhibit C: You try to build a relationship and all they do is shut you out.
After all of this, can you understand why I keep saying "Go fuck yourself?" Good. I've always tried to be nice to my dad but I'm guessing he's just not used to good treatment. I don't know what is wrong with him but DON'T screw up your own kids just because maybe you weren't loved as a child. If something is wrong, simply communicate the problem. Can I read your fucking mind? Talented as I am, I really cant.
People think that material things can make up for fucked up emotions but really and truly, what do you do when you just can't buy love anymore? Yes, that's right...YOU BITCH AND PISS PEOPLE OFF. However, gone are the days when I used to care. I realized that if I sat here and wallowed in my annoyance/upset/anger then it would just give me wrinkles. So I laugh. Everyday. Laugh at the fact that I'm pretty fucked up. Laugh at the fact that he's fucked up. I'll never really know what's eating him, nor do I care but I'd just like it very much if he would just let life take it's course. We'll never be perfect but now when I look back at it, I wouldn't want us to be.
Us being fucked up, (well him for the most part) has helped me to become the person that I am today, which is why I cant understand how people don't have any definition in their life. I'm not sure what I mean by definition but it's in my head and maybe you'll figure it out eventually. The thing I want to leave with is that money cant buy happiness and don't let material things determine important relationships in your life. A healthy relationship is far more important than anything you can buy. Grow up.
Parents always think they're right. ALWAYS. So they always feel they need to speak to you a certain way, guilting you into shit or trying to get inside your head to make you feel bad about yourself. Not all parents do it but a lot of them do.
FAST FORWARD
Me and my dad have never had the best relationship. We cannot get along at all. We would try to have a civilized conversation but end up in an argument and somebody gets told to go fuck themselves.The last couple times I did the telling so he's been a bit on edge when it comes to me. Fine, I understand that. Think about these situations though:
Exhibit A: You try to be nice to someone out of the goodness of your heart (and also because you don't want to go to hell for being a cunt) and they just never appreciate it.
Exhibit B: You initiate conversations ALL THE TIME and it's like they never want to speak to you.
Exhibit C: You try to build a relationship and all they do is shut you out.
After all of this, can you understand why I keep saying "Go fuck yourself?" Good. I've always tried to be nice to my dad but I'm guessing he's just not used to good treatment. I don't know what is wrong with him but DON'T screw up your own kids just because maybe you weren't loved as a child. If something is wrong, simply communicate the problem. Can I read your fucking mind? Talented as I am, I really cant.
People think that material things can make up for fucked up emotions but really and truly, what do you do when you just can't buy love anymore? Yes, that's right...YOU BITCH AND PISS PEOPLE OFF. However, gone are the days when I used to care. I realized that if I sat here and wallowed in my annoyance/upset/anger then it would just give me wrinkles. So I laugh. Everyday. Laugh at the fact that I'm pretty fucked up. Laugh at the fact that he's fucked up. I'll never really know what's eating him, nor do I care but I'd just like it very much if he would just let life take it's course. We'll never be perfect but now when I look back at it, I wouldn't want us to be.
Us being fucked up, (well him for the most part) has helped me to become the person that I am today, which is why I cant understand how people don't have any definition in their life. I'm not sure what I mean by definition but it's in my head and maybe you'll figure it out eventually. The thing I want to leave with is that money cant buy happiness and don't let material things determine important relationships in your life. A healthy relationship is far more important than anything you can buy. Grow up.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Diagnosed
Ever since I was younger I knew I was an odd person. Not odd in the sense that 'omg she's so weird and creepy'....wait I am kinda creepy. Anyways I could never tell what was wrong with me but as I grew older I realized what it was. With the help of a few good doctors, I was able to learn exactly why I was so odd. Let's have a seat for it, shall we?
OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed. Healthy people also have rituals, such as checking to see if the stove is off several times before leaving the house. The difference is that people with OCD perform their rituals even though doing so interferes with daily life and they find the repetition distressing. Although most adults with OCD recognize that what they are doing is senseless, some adults and most children may not realize that their behavior is out of the ordinary.
Some people may say that everyone has a bit of OCD but trust me, I have more than a little bit. You may not notice at first glance but I'm always washing my hands. That's my compulsion. I touch. I count. I wash hands. I have a certain routine I follow. Sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like if I don't stop something's gonna happen. It was recommended that I go to therapy but....that's another issue.
My OCD works this way:
1. I touch things. If I go into a room I have to touch at least one thing or I feel uncomfortable. On the flip side, there are also things I just CANNOT touch and things that I CANNOT allow to touch me.
2. I count. I count the number of steps from point A to point B or I count the number of minutes it takes me to do something. Example, when I get up in the morning, I check how long it takes me to shower, how long it takes me to brush my teeth (sometimes I count the brush strokes). I count my coins before I put them in my pocket or purse, I count the number of times I brush my hair. I count every pair of jeans I own every morning before I choose which one to wear.
3. I wash hands. I'm obsessed with clean hands. I have to wash my hands when I wake up, before I shower, after I brush my teeth, after I get dressed, when I get where I'm going, at least twice when I'm there, before and after I pee, before bed, before and after I eat and after handling money. I CANNOT FUNCTION WITH OR AROUND DIRTY HANDS. I freak out, which brings me back to why sometimes I cant be touched.
There's alot of things that irk me but I hardly think it's because of my disorder. I think the most severe compulsion is me washing my hands. I simply cannot go through the day without washing my hands. You know how some people wouldn't mind having dirty hands? Yeah, not me. I'm hoping these things don't get to so bad that I cant go about my daily life, or that would suck so bad. I'm taking it in stride. Is there medication for this? Hmm well I'm sure there's something I can get, until then you can find me in the sink, washing my hands!
OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed. Healthy people also have rituals, such as checking to see if the stove is off several times before leaving the house. The difference is that people with OCD perform their rituals even though doing so interferes with daily life and they find the repetition distressing. Although most adults with OCD recognize that what they are doing is senseless, some adults and most children may not realize that their behavior is out of the ordinary.
Some people may say that everyone has a bit of OCD but trust me, I have more than a little bit. You may not notice at first glance but I'm always washing my hands. That's my compulsion. I touch. I count. I wash hands. I have a certain routine I follow. Sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like if I don't stop something's gonna happen. It was recommended that I go to therapy but....that's another issue.
My OCD works this way:
1. I touch things. If I go into a room I have to touch at least one thing or I feel uncomfortable. On the flip side, there are also things I just CANNOT touch and things that I CANNOT allow to touch me.
2. I count. I count the number of steps from point A to point B or I count the number of minutes it takes me to do something. Example, when I get up in the morning, I check how long it takes me to shower, how long it takes me to brush my teeth (sometimes I count the brush strokes). I count my coins before I put them in my pocket or purse, I count the number of times I brush my hair. I count every pair of jeans I own every morning before I choose which one to wear.
3. I wash hands. I'm obsessed with clean hands. I have to wash my hands when I wake up, before I shower, after I brush my teeth, after I get dressed, when I get where I'm going, at least twice when I'm there, before and after I pee, before bed, before and after I eat and after handling money. I CANNOT FUNCTION WITH OR AROUND DIRTY HANDS. I freak out, which brings me back to why sometimes I cant be touched.
There's alot of things that irk me but I hardly think it's because of my disorder. I think the most severe compulsion is me washing my hands. I simply cannot go through the day without washing my hands. You know how some people wouldn't mind having dirty hands? Yeah, not me. I'm hoping these things don't get to so bad that I cant go about my daily life, or that would suck so bad. I'm taking it in stride. Is there medication for this? Hmm well I'm sure there's something I can get, until then you can find me in the sink, washing my hands!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Now What?
Life.
We all have it and we all seem to know our purpose in this world, don't we? Well at least we should. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there that have no idea what their purpose in life is. Myself included. I always try to tell myself that "This is what I want to do" or "This is what I should be doing" but truth be told, I can honestly say I don't have a clue what I want out of life.
People would say they want certain things. Success. Fame. Money. Let me ask you this, what will things do for you if you don't know what you want them for? When I was in primary school, I used to say I can't wait for high school. When I got to high school, I could not wait for college. Well here I am in college and I'm stick stuck on stupid.
It's my final year of University and I'm scared. Scared because I have no idea what I'll do when it's all over. Granted, I'll have a degree but will I be ready for the world? I don't feel confident enough to say life will be fabulous after graduation. I'll probably be jobless and broke for a while before I do anything worth shit. Growing up, there were so many things I wanted to do but there was just never any time. I'm lying, there was time. I just didn't feel good enough to go out and get shit done.
The only thing I'm sure of is my passion for dancing, but being told "that's not a career" or "don't focus on that" dampened my spirits and so that passion took a back seat. After an unfortunate incident earlier this year, I decided I wasn't going to waste any more time, I would be doing what I wanted. I would become a fly-by-the-seat of my pants kind of person. But as usual, I bitched up [passing up so many opportunities].
I think one of my fears is being successful. Yeah, I could make it all the way to the top of the world if I really wanted to but who will be there with me? I've been at the top of my game before and trust me, it's lonely as hell up there. I think I've trapped myself in a shell and if I dare try to venture out, I'll get squashed and die. I can't stay cloaked up forever though, so now what?
We all have it and we all seem to know our purpose in this world, don't we? Well at least we should. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there that have no idea what their purpose in life is. Myself included. I always try to tell myself that "This is what I want to do" or "This is what I should be doing" but truth be told, I can honestly say I don't have a clue what I want out of life.
People would say they want certain things. Success. Fame. Money. Let me ask you this, what will things do for you if you don't know what you want them for? When I was in primary school, I used to say I can't wait for high school. When I got to high school, I could not wait for college. Well here I am in college and I'm stick stuck on stupid.
It's my final year of University and I'm scared. Scared because I have no idea what I'll do when it's all over. Granted, I'll have a degree but will I be ready for the world? I don't feel confident enough to say life will be fabulous after graduation. I'll probably be jobless and broke for a while before I do anything worth shit. Growing up, there were so many things I wanted to do but there was just never any time. I'm lying, there was time. I just didn't feel good enough to go out and get shit done.
The only thing I'm sure of is my passion for dancing, but being told "that's not a career" or "don't focus on that" dampened my spirits and so that passion took a back seat. After an unfortunate incident earlier this year, I decided I wasn't going to waste any more time, I would be doing what I wanted. I would become a fly-by-the-seat of my pants kind of person. But as usual, I bitched up [passing up so many opportunities].
I think one of my fears is being successful. Yeah, I could make it all the way to the top of the world if I really wanted to but who will be there with me? I've been at the top of my game before and trust me, it's lonely as hell up there. I think I've trapped myself in a shell and if I dare try to venture out, I'll get squashed and die. I can't stay cloaked up forever though, so now what?
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