Au Naturel

Hello, loves!

So for those who don't know, I started my natural hair transition after my last relaxing session in January. It actually started out as just taking a break from chemicals because my eczema seemed to be getting worse. I'd wash my hair on a Saturday and by mid-week, it would start flaking and itching. No bueno. Who has the time?

Anyway, I got fed up of washing my hair so often and I was also distressed over the amount of hair that came out when I did a wash. So I decided to take a little break and said I wouldn't relax until my birthday in June. This "little break" saw me doing braids and twist outs and curls just to avoid aggravating my scalp. I learned how to prevent the itch the comes with Kanekalon from early and started using lots and lots of moisturizer.

Okay, side note. My hair is really thick. Like breaking-combs-and-brushes-taking-forever-to-style thick - ,my grandparents were of Maroon descent and I got my grandmother's THICK, STRONG, UNRULY head of hair. When I was 12 years old, my mother made the decision (and I wasn't mad at her) to relax my hair. My hair stayed relaxed until this year.

During my protective styling days, I started feeling on my roots and fell in love with them. In March (I think), I decided I wasn't going to relax my hair again because I wanted to experience my natural hair again. I've been documenting my natural hair journey since then and I've grown to love and appreciate my hair so much. I take way better care of it, watch the products I use, drink way more water (and if you know me, you know that I try to always have water in my hand or nearby) and do protective styles.

After a series of braids, I made a brave move and journeyed to a barber shop to try something new. Needless to say, my mother was less than thrilled. Oops. Anyhoo, I worked with the new hairstyle I had and tried to care for my hair the best I could but I still had relaxed ends which affected the growth and maintenance of my roots. So I made another decision. I was gonna chop it all off and start from scratch. After I did that cut, I had never felt more liberated and feminine in my life. Yes for all of this! I love to change my hair and play around with my look so stay tuned to see what else I'm up to. Colour, maybe? Who knows!


                                                                          Voila!

I'll be uploading a video soon on how it's been caring for a TWA, short for teenie weenie afro (Rochelle had to tell me what that meant. Lol)

You can pay attention to my YouTube channel for more. I'm working on making the videos a little more high quality so bear with me as I sort that out. 

Blessed love

Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself...Right?

2015. 
The year a lot of us have been waiting for. Four months in and I'm sure some of us (me, lol) still don't know what we will do with it. There are a few things I want to do but for some reason, there are times I tend to put people and their opinions before my own...stuff. I unfortunately allow people to talk me out of things, especially when they point out the possibility of failure.

Pause for this fun fact about me: my fear of failure is the most crippling thing I have ever experienced. I will psych myself out then end up being miserable because I didn't take the chance. Sounds like tons of fun, right?

Ok so, as I was saying. I recently went back into an office setting. It's a mostly regular and somewhat safe 9 to 5 - something I have not been in for a little while. I get there for 9:00AM. I sit at a desk. I leave at 5:00PM (well, guh home time is really very relative lol).

For as long as I can remember though, I have never wanted that. There are some people who want an office job and flourish effortlessly in it. I see you all. I respect you all. However, I also believe that you can flourish just as much outside of the office, outside of those walls, away from that desk.I'm all for spreading your wings and flying or soaring or whatever eagles and those other fancy birds do and I wholeheartedly encourage people to try whatever they want. So why, pray tell, can't I follow my own advice?

(Oh, I also need to do a blog post on my generation's expectations of the Jamaican job market. Because. Brethren. Lord)  

Back. I cannot take my own advice because, first of all I'm an idiot...and I will be the first to admit it - I don't believe in myself more often than not. If my confidence is on 100, hell yeah I'll take it on but if I have even an ounce of doubt, nope I'm not doing it. That's something I hope to change about myself very soon because I can't live like this. I don't want to be 50 and then look back at things and go "damn, I really could have done it if I tried."

So that is what I will do. I will try. And try again. And try some more. As Marianne Williamson and the late, great Nelson Mandela once said "

  "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Let's liberate ourselves and in turn liberate others.  Let us shine a light so bright that no one can cover their eyes or run from it. Let us.


Stay strong and be blessed.

Hook That Catfish

We all want that chance at a real relationship and real love so we oftentimes, search for it using any avenue necessary. This can result in a "catfish".

This has gotten so out of control that  the MTV series "Catfish" has achieved tremendous growth. Having been catfished myself, I know how devastating and unpleasant it can be to find out the person you have been so in tune with is in fact, not real (or real but grossly misrepresented). Mind you, there are times when the people behind the computer screens are real and genuine but that's oftentimes not the case.

Here's my story -

I was about 16 and one of my friends said she was going to hook me up with a guy. Being 16, I wasn't really in the frame of mind to fully wrap my head around why people do what they do to get and maintain one. After a while, reluctantly I obliged, so she gave him my email address and we started talking on MSN messenger. We exchanged pictures and theyseemed like him but some things he was saying just didn't add up. We were going back and forth for about two weeks when I decided I wanted to meet up and see him. Every time we talked about meeting, he would come up with some kind of excuse. After about another 2 or 3 weeks - I don't fully remember how long but I know it wasn't too far off, we finally settled on a meeting time and place. When I got there I didn't see anyone who looked like the pictures I received. When I finally saw him and called him out on everything, there was almost zero acknowledgement of what he had done.

I opened up about my catfish experience last year on a radio show called Di Fusion, aired on Nationwide 90 FM (Like them on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/difusion90FM ) when asked to speak on Social Media and Relationships. Since then, I was asked to share my story once again on Weekend Smile (Saturday morning Smile Jamaica) Like them on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/tvjsmilejamaica ). After the show, the beautiful host, Kiki planted a seed in my head. She asked me "so what are you planning to do to highlight this issue in Jamaica?" At first, I didn't do the show with the intention to go any further than sharing, but that question did something to me. 

Catfishing is serious and potentially dangerous to all those involved and I want to educate young women and men alike of the scary reality. Watch the interview here: http://www.televisionjamaica.com/Programmes/WeekendSmile.aspx/Videos/36915

Skin Deep

This is something I've wanted to tackle for a while but never really knew how to handle or how to approach it. I had all these struggles mainly because this is such a sensitive topic and I'm sure there are people who will read and be of the view that I'm not allowed to say these things because I "don't know what it's like". I'm speaking on self esteem, confidence and body issues.

Growing up, I was deemed less than attractive. There are no two ways about it. I did not live up to the standard of beauty that existed back then (and probably even now). Pretty girls were petite and light skinned with long hair and a straight nose. I....was none of those things. I was a tragic 90 lbs with acne, a full head of thick natural hair and glasses. So of course, I was teased because my peers were just as cruel as all other school children can be.

I used to be called "Grater Face" among other things. I remember this because I was one of the few girls in my class who had started going through puberty at an early age and my skin was a wreck. I got my first period at 10 years old and it seemed like everything just went downhill from there. Looking back at it, I was what one would call a "hot ass mess". There were days when I would wish to be pretty and light skinned like some of the girls all the boys liked - but of course this never happened. I remember I had a crush on a guy and I got the most public shoot down one could get. Yikes.

My mother would always stress how important it was to take my head out of the clouds and bury it in the books. Taking her advice got me several years of straight A's, multiple academic awards and the faculty acknowledged me as a star student. I was involved in everything: 4H, Brownies, Speech and Drama, Choir, Spelling Bee, Builder's Club, Dance. I even tried out for track and netball - bear in mind that I don't have an athletic bone in my body so...yeah.

When I was about 14, my skin started clearing up (I used so many products and tried so many remedies, I don't know how my face didn't just melt right off. Ick.) but I still wasn't beautiful to some. Why? I was TOO skinny. My face was TOO oblong shaped. I was TOO black. My nose was TOO big.

At 17, I started gaining weight. I grew breasts (yay, tits) and got what some would call a butt. A new dose of weight gain and transition started when I was around 19. Then it came in another burst at 21 then again at 22 and my body has continued to change up to now. I feel sad that growing up, I never felt beautiful because I measured beauty based on other people's standards and not my own. Even up to this day, I still get tackled about my weight and to my surprise, there are even people who have called me fat (yeah, me. Fat. Who saw THAT coming? Talk di chute weh God love!)

I was so sold on skinny being a negative thing that I tried all I could to gain weight. Then when I did, people had something to say. So I lost it. They still had something to say. Then I gained and guess what? They. Still. Had. Something. To. Say. I grew to understand that no matter what, PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, it's just up to you to decide how their words and actions will affect you.I was always so devastated and worried about what people thought of me and my looks. Then one day, I decided I didn't want to feel like that anymore and so I changed my approach. I tried to find the positive in these negatives.

"Oh, you're so skinny!"
"Yep. So I can fit into everything"

"Your hair is way too thick"
"Yeah, I broke a few combs but these strands never fall out"

"Your life is showing on your skin"
"At least I'm living"

"You're getting fat"
"I'm well fed so I guess it's showing now"

Looking back and learning all I did, I wish I had let these things roll off my back sooner. I have learned to love myself as a Black woman and most importantly as a person. It took me YEARS to get to this place in my life that I'm at and it's something I wish for other people (not just women) who are struggling with themselves and society's standards. You are beautiful. You are more than your skin tone. More than your hair texture. More than your good/bad skin. I had to learn that confidence comes from within and self acceptance is the first step to self love.

Help people. Breathe deeply. Smile more. Be positive. Speak your truth. Keep your head up. Love the world. Never have doubts. Embrace what you can't change. Be gentle with yourself.

Namaste.

Ward 21 Wraps Up European Tour To Promote New Album

From the 90s up to now, Ward 21 has been churning out hit after hit and has blessed the ears of Dancehall fans worldwide with great music. The trio recently wrapped a 16 show European tour dubbed “Still Disturbed”, a tour like no other. Ward 21’s Kunley McCarthy gave a taste of why Still Disturbed was so different from all others by highlighting the purpose was to bring attention to their newest album, “Still Disturbed”. “Usually we tour as artistes giving a concert based on past hits and any new material we have to offer which is usually always fun but because of the album’s release, the fans seemed a lot more eager so the energy was at a fever pitch right through to the end.”

The group also took another act on the road with them for this tour, Marcy Chin – a young Dancehall artiste who they say took every step as a learning experience and fit right in just like “one of the guys”. Ward 21 has been doing great things since they first stepped on the scene and now they are helping to grow Dancehall by witnessing and aiding in the growth of other performers.

​The name “Still Disturbed” is an ode to Ward 21’s very first album which was entitled 'Mentally Disturbed’. It also speaks to the fact that even after 16 years in the business as artistes and changes in musical style, they are still producing great music and will never disappoint their fans.

The 'Still Disturbed' album will be launched in Jamaica and promoted in the region by later this year which will keep them steady on their musical campaign to do their part in returning the root sound of dancehall music. Kunley McCarthy says “Music evolves but we are seeing the identity and quality fall because the original sound is slowly fading away to a point where, without the heavy Jamaican accents of the artistes, it doesn’t even sound Jamaican anymore. We will continue touring the world and flying Jamaica's flag with AUTHENTIC dancehall and reggae music as long as we have life.​”

​Ward 21 and the “Still Disturbed” album will be promoting Jamaican sounding music and as always, giving upcoming artistes a chance ​to seize their opportunity in the music business.

Marcy Chin A Hit With Fans On The Still Disturbed Tour

Fresh faced Dancehall artiste Marcy Chin is at it again! The BadaBadaGang member recently wrapped up an energy filled European tour with Dancehall veterans Ward 21. You may remember Chin when she blew up the airwaves with hits like “Body Able”, “When Again” – a remake of Tiger’s “When” and “Bunx Up” with Dee Wunn. Now back in Jamaica, Chin gives us a peek into her summer performances in Europe by describing it as “a wicked experience” and that it made her realize how much she enjoys performing. “I conquered all my fears and did my thing. [As a first timer], I was taken aback. The reception was pretty good. The audiences were very involved in my performances and they even called me on for encore.”

“Still Disturbed”, the 16 show tour began in Poland in July and saw Chin performing live on stage with Ward 21 in countries like Austria, Switzerland, Germany and France. While she expressed that every stop was equally as fun and helped her to grow as an artiste, she admits that her most memorable tour moment was celebrating her birthday under the Italian sun. The tour also brought positive vibes into Chin’s personal life as she had both her father and brother come out to see her perform when she took the stage in London. The tour wrapped in Bratislava in August but if we know Marcy Chin, we know that will not be the last stop for her. “I’m very driven and passionate about music so I’m always working; whether it’s writing or putting a song together so I have things that I’ll be sharing with my fans very soon. I am back in the studio working on another mixtape and a few more singles to be released.” Stay tuned!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/marcychinmusic?ref=hl

Instagram: http://instagram.com/marcychinadoll

Twitter: https://twitter.com/marcychinadoll

Mental Illness - Bridging the Gap

Following on the heels of an article written by Brandon Allwood, a Jamaican student at York University in Toronto, I feel that it has become increasingly necessary to join in the fight to break the stigma attached to an issue affecting numerous people in the world today: Mental Illness.

Mental illness is any disease or condition that 
influences the way a person thinks, feels, behaves, 
and/or relates to others and to his or her 
surroundings. Although the symptoms of 
mental illness can range from mild to 
severe and are different depending on 
the type of mental illness, a person 
with an untreated mental illness 
often is unable to cope with life's 
daily routines and demands. (Source: http://www.medicinenet.com/mental_illness/article.htm)

It is something that must be brought into the light and seen for what it truly is - a legitimate medical condition. Mental illness should not be seen as something to get over, or something to be looked at with disgust and taken lightly. One does not look at someone with a seizure and tell them to walk it off. Would you dare tell a diabetic they don’t need their insulin today? So then why is it, that as a people we treat someone with a mental health disease differently?

The typical Jamaican view on mental illness forms a skewed picture with two extremes. On one end of the spectrum, there is the drug abuser in the streets begging for spare change and arguing with himself while possibly walking about aimlessly in the nude. The other extreme is the so called “perfect uptown person”, who is said to have no real problems. Mental illness knows no social class and may very well affect any person reading this article.

Let us first clarify that substance induced psychosis is real. For some people, it takes one spliff to unleash the floodgates of Schizophrenia. Similarly, it can take one negative experience to push a person beyond the brink into depression. These people are suffering and should be treated no different. Chemical imbalances in the brain fuel a physical and emotional change that needs help and intervention. It goes well beyond “getting over it”, or just being strong and moving along with your life. For people affected by mental illness, the experiences that they have are very real. For those suffering from depression, they are in physical pain and the voice they hear inside their heads speaking to them is real. So why then do we still treat mental health and illness as something trivial? It is far too easy for those unaffected - whether it be primary or second hand - to be obtuse.

Some sources indicate that 1 in 4 persons suffers from depression. Clinical depression is in no way the same as a mood of feeling down. It oftentimes involves feelings of worthlessness and guilt. For the affected person, it is a weight to endure and sadly sometimes this issue often leads to suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

Fortunately, there is hope and things can be better. The first step however needs to be a change in the collective consciousness of the people as a whole. We need to realise that mental health issues have the ability to affect every and anyone. It strikes just the same as any other physical disease - across all social classes and all ethnicities.,all communities and all religions. Don’t turn a blind eye. Anyone can be affected.

- Written by Dr. Jordan B. Eaton BSc MB, BS

Jordan Eaton is a graduate of the University of the West Indies, Mona Campus. He is a trained Medical Doctor and real life mental health patient. His condition and the condition of those like him work together to bring forth a wider understanding of this global problem. He is currently completing his internship and hopes to specialize in Psychiatry in the future.

Still Disturbed Tour - Marcy Chin and Ward 21 in Europe

Marcy Chin has been doing her thing and making waves and such all up in the Dancehall industry. From what I know, Marcy started making music from an early age so a long time she a run dis dung. She is currently on a European tour with legendary Jamaican Dancehall group Ward 21 (who has been making some of the baddest piece a track dem since 1998, me did likkle but mi memba). 

Fittingly called “Still Disturbed”, the 16-show tour kicked off on July 11 in Poland at Reggaeland (real farrin, big farrin).

From wah me a see inna di picha dem, Marcy a gwaan wid a bagga tings. Without a doubt, Europe has been great to her and I can genuinely see her love for what she does. So far, Ward 21 and Marcy Chin have done Poland, Belgium and Italy but dem nuh done! 

They're also going to places like Amsterdam, Switzerland and Germany with the final blowout show at the Bratislava Uprising Festival on August 23 in Bratislava, Slovakia.

 (Watch di goodaz a sign autograph and suh too nuh)

Sooooo, Marcy pretty much a do sky and road and continent and all a dat. Congratulations girl!
Gwaan through! Wishing you all good things!

Like Marcy Chin on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/marcychinmusic
Follow Marcy Chin on Twitter - https://twitter.com/marcychinadoll
Follow Marcy Chin on Instagram - http://instagram.com/marcychinadoll?modal=true

The Universe Looks Out For Us....And We Don't Even Know It

"Mi salt"
"Why always me?"

Sometimes bad things happen to us and the people we love and we don't know why. There has always been a saying that everything happens for a reason, even if we cannot see that reason right away.

.....You're just 3 minutes late and you miss the bus.
.....You pull out your phone too late and miss an important call that you can't return.
.....The person before you gets the last pair of shoes that you wanted.
.....You order the pork, and it done so yuh affi eat chicken.

What if we can open our eyes and see that everything is how it's supposed to be? What if we could just accept the world the way it is? They also say "what is fi yuh cyah be un fi yuh" and I believe this is true. We may not see the reason for it now but the universe is unfolding as it should and we may not gain what we want now but be sure that it is coming. There are people who have missed death just by being late or early. Or just by being in a different spot than they usually are. The universe looks out for us and we don't even know it.

That bus you were running to catch might have crashed and everyone died.....
That important call you missed may have broken your heart....
Those shoes would have probably given you sore feet anyway....
The pork woulda goodly sick yuh anyway.... (ick)

Our problem as human beings is that we want what we want and we want it now. We have no patience, no compassion. Take some time to see the world around you and trust that there is a lesson in everything. Be patient with the world and those in it. What is for you is coming.

Cheers,

Ward 21 Releases New New Ish: Patty Crumbz Riddim

Then a why Ward 21 a gwaan suh? They are at it AGAIN their newest production, “Patty Crumbz Riddim”. Now unu know mi love di caylissness right? And unu know mi love mi belly right? So once mi hear "patty" mi a go pree it. 

Patty Crumbz was released in May 2014 after three (3) months in production and features 8 tracks from the members of Badabadagang.

So.....Ward has Marcy Chin, Timberlee, LOC, CK, Point O and DeeWunn pon di ting. Mi able. So I asked, how did you guys come up with this name? Of course they said ---> “We were all eating patties one day and talking about how not to get crumbs all over the place when it was being built”. Simple simple.

Songs on the riddim include "No Means No” by Marcy Chin and Timberlee, “Spot The J” and “Feel Like” by Ward 21, “Gangsta” by Point O, “Jamdown Start Up” by DeeWunn featuring Marcy Chin, “Nuh Follow People” by LOC, “In The Air” by CK and “Mi Money” by Marcy Chin. Expect a lot more from the Badabadagang!

Check out "No Means No" here: ---> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0-qhM5a3ao

 Get the entire "Patty Crumbz" riddim here ---> http://www.sendspace.com/file/274ctz

Marcy Chin Doing Things: “When Again”

When again? Right now! The sultry sing-jay Marcy Chin has released yet another sizzling single to entice the ears of diehard Dancehall fans. The newest release is a cover of veteran Dancehall artiste Tiger’s 90s hit "When" with a fresh twist from Chin. The song, which was produced by Ward 21’s Kunley McCarthy possesses the raw and edgy Dancehall beat that Jamaicans know and love under the distinctive and fluid vocals of Chin. “When Again” was released on April 5, 2014 under the Wiletunes Label and is currently available on iTunes. 

Marcy Chin is living proof that Dancehall is not dead. With her raw passion and undeniable talent, she is a force to be reckoned with. “Dancehall needs a facelift and I’m going to start by resurrecting the better part of the nineties”, stated Chin on why she decided to do the cover. “I’m very inspired by the core days of Dancehall and my style is deeply rooted in the eighties and nineties so I felt it was only right I paid tribute to that era with a song as simple, warm and as fun as Tiger’s.”

Other singles from the Badabadagang member include “Body Able”, “The Bounce"  and "No Time For Games"  on the infamous Dutty Fowl Riddim. Her current mixtape “Sex, Gunz and Smoke” can be heard and downloaded from SoundCloud or YouTube.

Find Marcy: 

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmaGoGD_VIc 

iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/marcy-chin/id571543277

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/marcychinmusic?ref=hl

No Friends In Business

I have been out of the blogging game for a minute but I came across something this morning that started that fire once more.

Ok so after reading this post---> http://www.trishreda.com/blog/so-this-just-happened/3541/  it became even more clear to me how these big companies operate. We all know that businesses are always looking for the best way to "save a dollar" but at the same time they want the best quality of everything. Even if you are a small man, you should always be WILLING to pay people for their services. Let them tell you "it's okay, I'll do it for free or x amount" but don't ever try to short change or swindle someone.

I have been in the situation before where I've been short changed for work that I put in. The first part of the problem is that the person or organization who wants your services doesn't always know the value of what you have to offer. And that's fine. If you're not in the business I half the time don't expect you to know how much it costs. However, a lot of them don't care. If you are going to take someone's services, I think you should at least do your research to see what the value of everything is before you state what you will and will not pay. Don't insult the person's intelligence either. The aforementioned post clearly shows how a lot of big companies think. They think "okay I can just promise this person to be associated with us and they should be grateful". But hold up though, promises don't pay bills. A promise cannot put food on the person's table.

Unfortunately, it is not only big companies that do this. There are micro, small and medium enterprises who operate the same way, stepping on people and their skills in order to please a client, save money or get out of paying completely. Very recently I did some work for someone and when we initially had the discussion, I advised of fees etc and everything was fine. The mistake I made however was not putting that in writing but trust me when I say a lesson has been learned. I usually put everything down on paper and the one time I neglected to do so, I was taken advantage of.

Anyway, I went ahead and put in work but was surprised to see that when I sent my bill, I was greeted with disrespect and negative energy. The level of "don't give a shit" that was present was enough to drive even Ghandi to anger. If you know me well enough you know that I have no patience or tolerance for bull especially when I'm working. I don't like people, I don't care about personalities, I just want to see words and numbers. I'm not ashamed to say that I now have no friends when it comes to business and I intend to keep it that way. As young people we often make the mistake that because you "know" this person, they wont do you wrong. No. They are the first to wrong you when money and business is involved.

I wont get into who it was and what was said but the bottom line is I, like many other freelancers and artists, was used. If you are someone with a talent or a skill, be weary of those who want nothing more than to use up all they can get. For free. Never assume they have your best interest at heart and never put out 90 before you know if you can even get 10. Always put everything in writing and make sure they and you are very clear on the terms of an agreement. There is nothing more disappointing than putting your all into something and getting not even so much as recognition. Business is a rough playground, always have helmets and band-aids handy.

Until I find something else to ramble on about;

One love.

Looper

Before you flip, I know when you see the title, you're like "this chick is doing a spoiler". No, I'd never do that to you. I'm just writing something about me this time - like I'm that interesting but yeah, you care. Anyway..... There are a lot of instances in life that you wish you could go back and change just so you could avoid the bloody aftermath. I used "bloody" in a strictly figurative sense. Please don't kill anyone. The crime rate is terrible. Moving on! By now everyone would have done something in life they've grown to regret or wanted a "do-over"(I know I have) and wish they could change it. But think of this, (I know I started my sentence with a conjunction, and what?)...if you went back and changed it, you'd mess the world up. I will always say and can never stress enough that no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should. Everything happens for a reason and as such humankind will have to live with regret or risk total world destruction. The smallest change in the Universe's design can have the biggest ripple effect and sometimes completely changing one's destiny. I'd wanna go back though. Go back and UNDO, UNMEET, UNKNOW and UNFRIEND some people - as I'm sure a lot of you want to do - but these people and actions/decisions without question make you the person you are now. The sunny side of regret? That stuff builds character and teaches lessons so as sucky as it is, regret and the inability to change the past is a necessary evil.

It's just Twitter.....Or is it?

I've been ot of commission with this writing thing for a minute, but for fear of going insane...and being bored...and the fact that insomnia is rampant I decided to do something tonight. We all know what Twitter is. It is THE social network that has singlehandedly taken over people’s lives. Just when we were getting bored, a wild Twitter appears. In the animal kingdom- which is what I’ll be calling the Internet in this post – the one with the most views, hits, touches, fondles or whatever you want to call it, is the Lion. Started off as innocent and a way to interact with friends, little Twitter grew rapidly and pranced wildly along the plains. I’ve seen predator become prey and prey become predator. I think one day, they’re all just going to up and eat each other…and I’ll be up in a tree, watching same unfold, eating some fruit, with my shades on. There are some people who take Twitter way too seriously. I know your life revolves around it and all, but would it kill you to take your head out of your ass? “I have more followers than you”. “Nobody’s RT’ing you” “You can’t spell”. While everyone is entitled to their opinion and is free to object anyone else’s, there are others who really need to shut the hell up. After all, it’s just Twitter. Or is it? Let me share: I recently unfollowed someone who shall remain nameless, who I’m sure will see this post and get all in their feelings with their fragile self BUT if you know me well enough, you’ll know that not one eff is given. Anyway, seeing that I am of the view that no one is obligated to anyone else on the internet (or life in general), I went ahead and clicked that unfollow button. People are always like “don’t like what I tweet? Then UNFOLLOW. (So why you mad though?) It’s all champagne and strawberries until you search your follower list and not see someone who was there before. - BY THE WAY, in all that is good and holy… WHO THE HELL DOES THAT? What I’m getting at is….since it’s not such a big deal…and you don’t give a hoot…and “the unfollow button is there”, why is it such a big deal when someone clicks it? They tolerate you in real life, they’re civil but you just can’t chill. Stay mad. It’s not even just my situation, I’ve seen it happen countless times. Y’all didn’t get this mad over Facebook. What’s so new now? THEN….there are those people who have zero personality outside of Twitter. All sorts of mess to say, so much LULZ, best stories. Meet them in real life? CRICKETS. THAT’S NICE EEH… Then cyber bullies. Nothing to do? Read a book. Take care of your skin. Lose some weight. Learn to spell. There are much more productive things one may do with their time. Baddest thing in the animal kingdom, then when a bigger animal pounces….everybody bawl cree.I don’t really care about being blocked, unfollowed, refollowed and then blocked again. As long as my dinner is present, I am okay. Matter of fact….. *walks to kitchen*

New Beginning

This post will be a little more personal than the others. While I won't tell you every detail, I'm sure if you pay attention you'll be able to put two and two together.

The past 2 years have been very rough for me. I've been through a lot. I've endure, I've ignored and I've pulled through. 2010 was more challenging on the social and educational side. In the middle of a college education, having a part time job and full time boyfriend wasn't exactly easy but being the person I am, I managed to juggle them all. 2010 was ROUGH.

Though many people might not have realized the impact it had on me, Patti's death really put a lot of things into perspective. It taught me a lot, as painful as it was. It showed me that life is as short as it is long and you should love while you can. God took her away from us in the middle of a budding friendship and ever since then I vowed I would never allow anything to stop me from expressing how I feel about someone. I mean, being unsure of your place in someone's life when you die isn't exactly comforting. I used to be very closed off. Very rigid and that was how I coped.

On the other hand, 2011 has brought wonderful people into my life, and while I'm still weary of some I welcome the others with open arms. I've never cared much for people and their feelings. From as far back as I can remember I was very careful with who I show myself and my emotions to. I admit, there were times when I would slip up and be affectionate to the wrong people but I'm glad. If it wasn't for them, I probably would not have known as much as I know now.

The past year was more challenging on the relationship side. Friendships fell apart, I went single and family wasn't exactly amazing. I gave myself to people, probably more than I should have and they took advantage of it. Some of it was expected. Some of it slapped me in the face. All of that was just a lesson I guess, to still be careful even though I should give everyone the benefit of the doubt. My ego has been bruised, my pride trampled on and my patience wore thin. If you really know me, you'd know I'm not a person that likes to wait around. For anything. I'd rather figure it out quickly than waste my time. I HATE WASTING MY TIME.

Towards the end of 2011, I completely let my guard down. As far down as I'd ever let it. I screwed up, broke my own rules and I'll never do that again (unless I know it's worth it). I put effort into things, I was "nice". Don't be fooled by the rough exterior, loud mouth and crass behaviour. I am disgustingly soft. But I'm also strong. You can never really know what's going on with me unless I say so, I always try to wear a smile. Sometimes, fake but a smile nonetheless. I've been destroyed but it's up to me to fix it. I cannot depend on anyone else. Nobody else can MAKE me happy. I'll start over. Rewind. Then change a few parts. After all, I am my own remedy.

2012, Hear me roar!

Necessary Instant Remedy

There are times in life when one is faced with a plethora of decisions. While it is customary for one to make it through school, get an education, settle down in a good job, get married and all that jazz; is it necessarily the route that everyone is destined to take? Maybe its just me, but I find that apart of growing up is being allowed to make decisions that benefit you. What if what's customary, doesn't work for you? It may not necessarily be the best decision in someone else's eyes but it works for you.

I'm a huge fan of travel and new cultures and I feel I'm at the point in my life where I need a change of environment. Sometimes that is all one needs in order to grow and shape themselves. I hate being stuck at one point for too long. It makes me severely uncomfortable. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. My thirst for knowledge and my love of art and fashion are some things that help me to cope nowadays.

Contrary to popular belief, I've been unhappy for a very long time. It has nothing to do with one specific person or one specific situation, but has to do with years of experience. Yes, I agree that I am indeed young but there are copious amounts of experiences that I would trade for something else. Then again, these same experiences are what made me who I am, nuh true? And you have to endure the storm before you can have the sunshine. (Terribly cliche', I know. LOL)

I'm a firm believer of the fact that true happiness lies within. I have turned to many things to make me happy but after a while these things lose the ability to lift my spirits. What I'm about to do now is focus on ME. I've been trying to do that for quite some time now but someone or something always gets in the way. I tend to put other people's happiness over my own but what has that done for me? Where have I been left? Right here. At the same spot.

While I'm still unhappy and I can't necessarily put my finger on what's bothering me, I'm fully 100% comfortable with myself and being in my own skin. I have met great people that have brought out the best and I've met shitty people who have brought out the worst in me, but at the end of the day I'm still me. Who are you?

Stop. Think about it.

Right about now we're gonna talk about those people that have soooo many haters. Everybody's out to get them. Listen up, people who think highly of themselves. Nobody cares about you. You might be a little interesting or a lot...depending on how you look at it but at the same time that's no excuse to act as if you're above people. I mean really, we all eat, shit and bleed, yeah? You're not that awesome. Regardless of the fact of how awesome you may think you are (ok I won't knock some people cuz they really are awesome. Shoutouts to y'all!) not everybody is in love with you. Shit, sometimes a nigga don't even wanna be your friend.

Daily I am approached by people and whether interesting or not I try not to be mean. When you really look at it, you never can tell who you'll have to call on for a favour one day. You never know who's gonna end up being your shoulder to cry on or even your damn boss. Everybody wants someone to do something for them so why treat people like shit?

Talking to a pretty good friend of mine today I realized that very odd situations can yield very beautiful friendships. I was never one to acknowledge her but as time went by I opened up and saw that she was a beautiful soul that was simply misunderstood. And now, NOW we're so close. I'm not saying to go out there and friend every stranger you see, but be courteous. Yo, even if you don't like them too much you can still acknowledge them. Now before you get your panties in a bunch, shut the fuck up and notice that I said "acknowledge" and not "be a hypocrite". Being a hypocrite and being civil are two completely different things.

I've long accepted the fact that not everybody will love me. Hell, lots of people won't even LIKE me but that's their issue. I had an epiphany recently....well maybe not epiphany, I was way too drunk to remember everything, really.

(NOTE: Alcohol is great. Drink, drink, hooray!)

Everybody in my life is there for a specific purpose and everything happens for a reason. Yes, EVERYTHING. Don't get mad at that statement cuz really, you stubbing your toe, almost falling and being helped by someone may do so much for you. That could be your soulmate! You telling someone "Good Morning" just might stop them from killing themselves.So hey, it's not always what someone can do for you, but it's what you can do for each other.

Problem Solved?

Everybody has feelings. Sometimes people care about your feelings, other times they don't. That's just the way of the world an people in general. You cannot force people to care so give that shit up.

When I was younger I was always awkward and people used to make fun of me. I cared so much and they always hurt my feelings, but I've grown out of that. Granted, I do give at least an ounce of fuck but I will not let the way people think of me ruin my life and stop me front doing what I want, when I want. Sometimes even the very people you thought would never hurt your feelings, end up doing so. Oftentimes not intentional, but done nonetheless.

Another thing everybody has is problems. I repeat EVERYBODY HAS PROBLEMS, not just your depressed ass, and everybody has different ways of dealing with their own problems. Let's take me for example, I have a lot of problems and if I was to sit here and list them all, we would never leave and there's other important shit that needs to get done. Like living and breathing. Also, consuming THE BEST FOOD, pastry and alcohol that we can find. Anyways, back to the problems. Just because someone doesn't want to sit and wallow in your problems with you, doesn't mean they don't care. They just don't want to sit and wallow in your problems with you...while they have their own to wallow in. All that wallowing takes time and energy which could be spent doing something else (like living and breathing). Never try to unload your truckload of problems on someone else, that will only push them away. Trust me, I know. I'm walking away from a couple people as we speak.

I mean, people will sit and listen but only for so long, and they don't like repeats. They might not say "Shut up, you're talking too much" but you can tell when they want you to be quiet. Take that hint. Why bring up the same problem over and over...and over again? Nobody wants to sit and be sad all the time. Emo people have tricked you all, cut the bullshit. I'm not saying you should keep it to yourself all the time but don't try to let people feel bad about not wanting to share in your spilled milk. Don't cuss people out and snap at people and BITCH AT EVERYONE else. Hint, that's still not going to make me want to listen. Be mature about things and try to deal with it a bit at a time. There are some things you can deal with internally and some things you wont be able to deal with at all, it's up to you to know the difference, not someone else.

What's more important?

Ever just wanna slap the shit out of someone just so they can grow the hell up? Yeah, that's me right now. Really and truly, I might be annoyed by certain things but it takes a whole lot for me to actually be upset. And me being upset is different from being angry. This isn't about me though, but just thought I'd say so you understand where I coming from.

Parents always think they're right. ALWAYS. So they always feel they need to speak to you a certain way, guilting you into shit or trying to get inside your head to make you feel bad about yourself. Not all parents do it but a lot of them do.

FAST FORWARD

Me and my dad have never had the best relationship. We cannot get along at all. We would try to have a civilized conversation but end up in an argument and somebody gets told to go fuck themselves.The last couple times I did the telling so he's been a bit on edge when it comes to me. Fine, I understand that. Think about these situations though:

Exhibit A: You try to be nice to someone out of the goodness of your heart (and also because you don't want to go to hell for being a cunt) and they just never appreciate it.

Exhibit B: You initiate conversations ALL THE TIME and it's like they never want to speak to you.

Exhibit C: You try to build a relationship and all they do is shut you out.

After all of this, can you understand why I keep saying "Go fuck yourself?" Good. I've always tried to be nice to my dad but I'm guessing he's just not used to good treatment. I don't know what is wrong with him but DON'T screw up your own kids just because maybe you weren't loved as a child. If something is wrong, simply communicate the problem. Can I read your fucking mind? Talented as I am, I really cant.

People think that material things can make up for fucked up emotions but really and truly, what do you do when you just can't buy love anymore? Yes, that's right...YOU BITCH AND PISS PEOPLE OFF. However, gone are the days when I used to care. I realized that if I sat here and wallowed in my annoyance/upset/anger then it would just give me wrinkles. So I laugh. Everyday. Laugh at the fact that I'm pretty fucked up. Laugh at the fact that he's fucked up. I'll never really know what's eating him, nor do I care but I'd just like it very much if he would just let life take it's course. We'll never be perfect but now when I look back at it, I wouldn't want us to be.

Us being fucked up, (well him for the most part) has helped me to become the person that I am today, which is why I cant understand how people don't have any definition in their life. I'm not sure what I mean by definition but it's in my head and maybe you'll figure it out eventually. The thing I want to leave with is that money cant buy happiness and don't let material things determine important relationships in your life. A healthy relationship is far more important than anything you can buy. Grow up.

Diagnosed

Ever since I was younger I knew I was an odd person. Not odd in the sense that 'omg she's so weird and creepy'....wait I am kinda creepy. Anyways I could never tell what was wrong with me but as I grew older I realized what it was. With the help of a few good doctors, I was able to learn exactly why I was so odd. Let's have a seat for it, shall we?

OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder


Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed. Healthy people also have rituals, such as checking to see if the stove is off several times before leaving the house. The difference is that people with OCD perform their rituals even though doing so interferes with daily life and they find the repetition distressing. Although most adults with OCD recognize that what they are doing is senseless, some adults and most children may not realize that their behavior is out of the ordinary.

Some people may say that everyone has a bit of OCD but trust me, I have more than a little bit. You may not notice at first glance but I'm always washing my hands. That's my compulsion. I touch. I count. I wash hands. I have a certain routine I follow. Sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like if I don't stop something's gonna happen. It was recommended that I go to therapy but....that's another issue.

My OCD works this way:

1. I touch things. If I go into a room I have to touch at least one thing or I feel uncomfortable. On the flip side, there are also things I just CANNOT touch and things that I CANNOT allow to touch me.

2. I count. I count the number of steps from point A to point B or I count the number of minutes it takes me to do something. Example, when I get up in the morning, I check how long it takes me to shower, how long it takes me to brush my teeth (sometimes I count the brush strokes). I count my coins before I put them in my pocket or purse, I count the number of times I brush my hair. I count every pair of jeans I own every morning before I choose which one to wear.

3. I wash hands. I'm obsessed with clean hands. I have to wash my hands when I wake up, before I shower, after I brush my teeth, after I get dressed, when I get where I'm going, at least twice when I'm there, before and after I pee, before bed, before and after I eat and after handling money. I CANNOT FUNCTION WITH OR AROUND DIRTY HANDS. I freak out, which brings me back to why sometimes I cant be touched.

There's alot of things that irk me but I hardly think it's because of my disorder. I think the most severe compulsion is me washing my hands. I simply cannot go through the day without washing my hands. You know how some people wouldn't mind having dirty hands? Yeah, not me. I'm hoping these things don't get to so bad that I cant go about my daily life, or that would suck so bad. I'm taking it in stride. Is there medication for this? Hmm well I'm sure there's something I can get, until then you can find me in the sink, washing my hands!